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Written By: Cambridge Junk

Terror Comes to Cambridge! 

By Haydn Thorne

A terrorist attack was narrowly averted on the streets of Cambridge today when a group of eagle-eyed University students (the proper one, with history going as far back as the practice of buggery itself) noticed a man riding his bicycle quite close to the kerb outside the famous (and mostly boring) Fitzwilliam University.

Trumpington St Cambridge

The students, two of whom were called Tarquin and another three who shared at least one father, were first alerted by the fact the cyclist wasn’t riding directly in the middle of the road and seemed to be weaving around pedestrians and concentrating on where he was going, “no doubt looking for his target” remarked one of the Tarquins. Then the young sleuths realised that, although the man was in his fifties, he wasn’t wearing a Straw Boater hat and another of the students, whose name was frankly incomprehensible, remarked “the sun was very bright but he could have had olive skin or even a beard for all we know. You can’t be too careful these days.”

The man was quickly apprehended by six or seven punt-trip dealers who then proceeded to try and charge the man, each other and then the police £20 for their trouble. Thankfully disaster was averted and the man on the bicycle is now being questioned, at home by his wife, as to why on earth he didn’t just take the Range Rover.