CAMBRIDGE JUNK

Cambridge News

Written By: Cambridge Junk
Share

Terror Comes to Cambridge! 

By Haydn Thorne

A terrorist attack was narrowly averted on the streets of Cambridge today when a group of eagle-eyed University students (the proper one, with history going as far back as the practice of buggery itself) noticed a man riding his bicycle quite close to the kerb outside the famous (and mostly boring) Fitzwilliam University.

Trumpington St Cambridge

The students, two of whom were called Tarquin and another three who shared at least one father, were first alerted by the fact the cyclist wasn’t riding directly in the middle of the road and seemed to be weaving around pedestrians and concentrating on where he was going, “no doubt looking for his target” remarked one of the Tarquins. Then the young sleuths realised that, although the man was in his fifties, he wasn’t wearing a Straw Boater hat and another of the students, whose name was frankly incomprehensible, remarked “the sun was very bright but he could have had olive skin or even a beard for all we know. You can’t be too careful these days.”

The man was quickly apprehended by six or seven punt-trip dealers who then proceeded to try and charge the man, each other and then the police £20 for their trouble. Thankfully disaster was averted and the man on the bicycle is now being questioned, at home by his wife, as to why on earth he didn’t just take the Range Rover.


Someone complains about a cuddly gorilla in an Ely window

 05/11/2014

Somebody has decided that a knitted gorilla that adorns one Ely resident’s window, is ingorilla-large fact racist.

Read the article here.

The person who made this complaint is racist. Seriously, who would identify a knitted gorilla with a black person other than somebody who is actually racist themselves? This is the same kind of person who finds somebody mimicking an Indian accent offensive; the comfortably-dumb armchair liberalist who would have no idea how to empathise with a minority or disparate group if one came up bit them on their up-ended nose. “How dare you make fun of those little Indians and Pakistanis with the funny way they talk?”, you’ll almost hear them thinking.

I like the Indian accent – in fact I do a rather good one. I also do a very good Cockney, North Yorkshire, South African and a mediocre Irish. However, the latter four are never met with any complaint. I can only assume they are a far more sophisticated, durable and advanced group of human beings than those poor little backward Indian folk, whose weak souls will smash from the brutal ridicule of my passable impression of their pleasant and fruity accent.

These are also the same narrow-minded, ignorantly self-righteous fuck-wits who think that all working class people are ‘chavs’, and vice-versa; and who walk around feeling ebullient by buying half a jar of fair-trade coffee whilst wearing fine-cut clothes that still microscopically crunch with the dried blood from the pricked fingers of desperate workhouse children across the globe.

These are the same people who feel sycophantically inclusive when they eat out at an Indian restaurant, but would never go as far as ‘chowing’ down on some roasted goat from a street purveyor of West African food, or indeed consuming a cheap Polish sausage.

Anyway, as I was saying, a gorilla no more reminds me of a black person than a child’s playground reminds me of sex. However, if I were a paedophile I imagine that would be somewhat different. Do you see what I mean?

If the person who made this complaint happens to read this, please grow up or fuck off. You’re holding back humanity.

Judy Finnigan blasted for rape comments on Loose Women.

 

Ched-Evans-Judy-Finnigan-MainRape campaigners in Britain have rounded on one half of the original and most authentic ‘This Morning’ presenting duo, Judy Finnigan. The broadcasting legend and wife of co-presenter Richard Madeley (who once did an Ali G impression whilst drunk on stolen wine) has been widely criticized for saying on the television program Loose Women, which is supposed to be a platform for grown-up and opinionated debate, that an individual being raped and beaten is worse than them being raped alone.

This is of course nonsense. As we all know, women in this country are quite used to the occasional beating. It allows their significant other some rudimentary exercise of his, or even her, upper arm muscles and is essential to maintaining the domestic hierarchy. It is no secret that many women actually enjoy a good beating, and would no doubt attest that during a hideous rape, a gratuitous mullering would be just the thing to take the edge off.

When we spoke to campaigner Mrs Betty Slapser of the Cambridge based charity Rape Right – herself having recently enjoyed a nice warm beating from a stranger outside our offices, (we believe it to be Stabby Steve from the pub over the road; never too drunk to help out the needy is old Stabby) – she had this to say.

“I don’t know what this silly woman is going on about. Really, to suggest that this footballer’s actions are in any way mitigated by not beating that woman whilst raping her is abhorrent. If anything, a nice reassuring, dirty slapping about the chops was just what she needed whilst enduring this terrible crime. It might even have prevented her from passing out from the drink. In my day, rapists were far more conventional and wouldn’t be too lazy to administer a kind beating to take away some of the horror of being raped. This man should be locked up forever.”

So, it seems that Judy Finnigan is indeed very much mistaken in believing that being savagely beaten during a rape is worse than not being savagely beaten during a rape. How could she?

 

Cost of guided “busway” rises – Councillor discovers miracle mathematical formula.

 

Expensive little wheel-thingy

Things are getting more expensive in Cambridge, and we are not just talking about quails eggs, Perrier water and organic wine. It has recently been suggested (read ‘confirmed’ for a direct translation from Council speak) that our beloved guided bus lane is going to cost close to (read ‘in excess of’) £200m, rather than the original total of just £187m.

Now, we are not in the business of making accusations or casting aspersions, or even rocking the boat, but our basic knowledge of engineering suggests that the process of laying the concrete tracks, including the materials used, would have only cost a fraction of even the original amount. As everyone knows, money never dissolves, it is simply moved around, so a large proportion of this huge sum has obviously been soaked up by layer upon layers of corporate sponges. Although, we like to think that a lot of it has been spent on trying to get “busway” recognised as a real word. Anyway, this particular controversy is old hat and one that has been debated, analysed and sworn about for some years now. What we find astonishing is Cambridge County Council’s stubborn line that it is a justifiable expense, and that the people of Cambridge will be happy to write it off.

These latest revelations about the extent of mindless squandering on a contraption that just appears to make a bus driver’s job less interesting, arrive hot on the heels of a rather bizarre explanation by Cllr Tim Ward with regards to the rise in parking fees for city centre shoppers.

Future price list?

As clear price hikes of £1 (for over 5 hours and 50p elsewhere) were published – taking the cost of a day’s parking at Cambridge’s Grand Arcade to a potential £25 – Cllr Ward said: “The increases amount to a price cut of 1.1 per cent in real terms and the modelling from our consultant shows this will increase the use of the car parks…..We are encouraging more shoppers to come into the city centre and I think that’s right at this time.

Now, Mr Ward has helpfully given us some clue as to how the guided bus money was spent (although we still think that a large proportion of it must have gone on trying to get “busway” recognised as a real word), but he has also managed to convince himself that a price rise is actually a price cut.

So, just what was it that led Mr Ward to his bizarre conviction? Perhaps if we were privy to all the details then we, too, would see the financial gains that these price increases will afford us.

Click image to enlarge

Well, in a Cambridge Junk exclusive, we have managed to obtain what we believe to be a photograph of the very piece of paper Councillor Ward used to scribble down a complex mathematical formula that appears to explain everything. It bizarrely appeared in our inbox one lunch time, when not everyone had been away from the office at the same time.

By Haydn Thorne

 
 
 
New speciality food shop set to open in Cambridge.
 

Flimflam

A new organic and speciality food shop is ready to open its recycled cardboard doors to the eager people of Cambridge. The shop, named Flimflam, will be selling food and household items which you would never normally buy, and an array of toiletries which smell nice but don’t work. Its owners are keen to stress that it isn’t just another organic food shop. C0-owner Julie Juped, has spent a considerable amount of her inheritance in a bid to make the shop seem like good value. “What we do” she explains “is we have a look at what is on sale at our local Waitrose, or Tesco if we can stand the smell, and see what products people are not really buying. Then, we buy a large consignment of these products and put them on our shelves for twice the price. As long as we price them high enough and are suitably sycophantic towards our customers, the produce flies off the shelves like hot cakes. Even out hot cakes are selling well, since we hiked up the price and included a free hemp doily with each one.”

Some of the products on offer at Flimflam include: cushions and throws, made from sustainable cod, dried lentils in little brown sacks with a picture of a dead seal on the front, and Guilt Biscuits, which contain a chemical that makes you throw up just after eating them. “These are great.” says Julie, holding up a bag of Guilt Biscuits “The prolonged view of the white porcelain of your toilet reminds you of the suffering caused by the ivory trade, you see?”

I am starting to get an idea of the ethos of Julie’s enterprise. Why should we buy food and toiletries at normal high street prices when we can pay double and help the environment a tiny, immeasurable amount as well? What’s more, businesses like Julie’s need our backing to survive; but Julie is unselfish in her endeavours. “The environment is what really matters.” she says, “I am not bothered about money and success. I could bore you for hours with the importance of helping the environment, but I will give you some literature to take away with you instead. I have got boxes full in the back of the Range Rover, which I will only have to throw away if I can’t shift them.”

Julie hopes that people will shop at Flimflam rather than going to multinationals and corporate chains. “We really want Flimflam to do well.” She continues. “We may be a bit more expensive than the big corporations, but we are a small business and if we are going to grow, we need to sell products at these higher margins. As long as people keep shopping with us then we can continue to expand. We can open another store next month and then another, perhaps in London. After that, in five years time, you won’t be able to walk down any street without a Flimflam on it.” She giggles excitedly.

Flimflam is open from 10am until 4pm on Thursdays and Fridays, but is closed for the rest of the week as Julie has her four children to look after whilst her husband manages a hedge fund overseas.

By Haydn Thorne

 
 
 

Three charged with the August 9th disorder in Cambridge. But what really happened?

30/09/2011

Not mum and dad

Three lads have been charged with violent disorder in connection with an incident in Cambridge which happened to coincide with the UK rioting.

The three young men from Cambridge, allegedly all called Tarquin, had gathered on Midsummer Common at around 11:30pm – which was way past their tea time – with some other young chaps wearing scarves and nice hats. Perturbed by these cravat and fedora wearing mummy’s boys, and panicked by the television news, local residents called the police. Several officers attended the scene as the jolly crowd made their way to the Grafton Centre.

Understandably angered that there were no shops still open that sold cashmere, and worried that, having snuck out of the little used east wing of the house without their parent’s knowledge, there would be no one picking them up, the youths began to feel a bit cold and agitated. Some pulled their scarves and hats over their faces in an effort to keep warm, whilst gesturing to the police to come over and help them. Some were even pleasant enough to offer tokens of friendship to the, now approaching, officers by throwing them the goodies from their pockets – which included bottles of fine beer and wine and precious stones. Unfortunately, many of the police officers were unable to catch these generous gifts, and some broke on the floor; a few even hit the police officers themselves. Reasoning that the police would probably want some time to gather up these offerings, most of the youths decided to do the decent thing and make their way home; many of them ingeniously incorporating their early morning jog into the journey.

However, some stayed and generously tried to pick up the gifts that the police had so clumsily dropped and have another go at delivering them properly. After limited success, the weary youngsters became aware of a helicopter hovering overhead. Convinced that mummy and daddy had found them out after all, the rest of the crowd decided it would be a good idea to get home as quickly as possible, cleverly using the back alleys and hiding their faces so Jeeves could not recognise them from the helicopters’ cockpit.

The three youths arrested are pleading their innocence, saying they only stayed behind because they knew that their parents did not own a helicopter, only some boats. The trial continues.

By Haydn Thorne
 
 
 

Exclusive: Student hit by Car. Or was it the other way round?

27/09/2011

David Prowse would have had something to say

A hapless young man was involved in a collision with a Ford Mondeo at around 6:30pm last night (Mon 26 September) in an endeavour to cross the busy A603 by the Queen Anne multi-storey car park, towards Parker’s Piece. There must have been beer or an interested girl waiting at his destination, as our ripe haired friend completely ignored the helpful, if academically unimportant formula of: “look right, look left, and look right again.”

In an extraordinary affront to the laws of physics and motion – not to mention common sense – the lad was able to look right to see the approaching car, look left to make sure nothing was coming the other way, and then step out into the approaching car anyway. In our experience, if you see a car coming from one direction on a busy road, and it does not pass during the short time you are looking in the other direction, then that car is still on its way.  It is a simple rule, but a helpful one.

In the young man’s defence, after the bone crunching impact, he limped over to the now stationary car to offer his apologies and assure the occupants that he was OK, before limping away in the direction of a pelican crossing, or medical attention.  Luckily, our Editor was on hand to enquire as to his condition and was assured that everything was “fine, man..”

We sincerely hope that this intrepid young man is, indeed, OK, and that he suffered no more than a bruised ego and a stark lesson in the laws of motion. If you yourself happen to read this, or if you know the chap involved, then do get in touch to let us know if he is all right.

By Haydn Thorne
 
26/09/2011

Bomb Scare in Cambridge

Police cordon

This afternoon, Cambridge was elevated to the unenviable position of potential terrorist target, when a tip off about a ‘device’ was received at around lunch time. According to the information provided, the potential bomb plot was to target the UK’s second most convincing Polytechnic, prompting police to quickly cordon off the area around Anglia Ruskin University.

Despite the danger, many of Cambridge’s loafing lunch-timers gathered well within any potential blast radius to get a front seat in case anything exciting were to happen. Presumably, the only really exciting thing that is going to happen in a situation like this is for a bomb to go off, at which point the front row seats would quickly become the cheap seats. Luckily, all the Anglia Ruskin students had been evacuated, although it is unlikely any were reading physics as many of them elected to hang around for the fireworks as well.

Of course, it was never going to be a real bomb – probably a prank or hoax by a misguided student or disgruntled, half drunk Cambridgeshire resident with ‘emotional problems’. However, it did make everyone feel rather important for an afternoon, and even made the Cambridge Evening News website in good time; although they couldn’t be bothered to hang about and update the story into the evening. They probably all left early because of the traffic.

By Haydn Thorne

 
08/08/2011

The Cambridge Guided Busway Finally Opens

Six Years. 

£187 Million – and rising.

Thousands of man-hours.

 Hands, six inches from the steering wheel!

Share

38 Comments

  1. Orlando says:

    Bravo!

  2. Lonnie says:

    Where is the facebook like button ?

  3. lorn Knower says:

    Good reading and entertaining to boot!

  4. Catherine Durance says:

    In Flimflam you have excelled yourself.
    The residents of Cambridge; saving one polar bear at a time!

  5. Devin says:

    Nice post. Its realy nice. More info help me.

  6. comandolando says:

    God Bless you man. Have a nice day. Bye

  7. Willie Chrisman says:

    very interesting details you have noted , thankyou for putting up.

  8. Livinlots says:

    Good job.

  9. Googler Thomps says:

    How are things going? I see that you are still going strong, congrats! How did you pass the latest Google update? It seems that your mag is one of the strongest in the current SERP’s! If there will be any problems be sure to get back to me, always loved your style.

  10. Fire Trap says:

    Magnificent, you just gained a new reader.

  11. Papasan says:

    Really rather good!

  12. Jemimadoubleclick says:

    Tremendous!

  13. Sambrose says:

    Whats up! Very cool site man .. Beautiful .. Amazing .. I’ll bookmark.

  14. Chana Bogden says:

    Hello! I totally agree with you. Looking forward to more.

  15. woody farrelson says:

    Usually I do not read post on blogs, but this is compelling! Good stuff.

  16. happy pappy says:

    Good job once again! I am looking forward to more updates;)

  17. sterlingpetriemi says:

    Angry Birds is a game, originally for iPhone

  18. Cush says:

    Good day very cool website!! Man .. Beautiful .. Superb .. I’ll bookmark your blog and take the feeds also.

  19. Kole says:

    I love this web site Thanks I will try and check back more often. How often do you update?

  20. Billy Bomb says:

    Its like you can read my thoughts! Wonderful blog. A fantastic read. I will definitely be back.

  21. wania mania says:

    Wow. Very good!

  22. Coolidge Jones says:

    Great. I’ve added to my favourites|added to my bookmarks.

  23. Grand Padano says:

    Great post. Bookmarked.

  24. Lowsyman says:

    Thank you for sharing.

  25. Lucy Mcadams says:

    You should be famous. Cheers!

  26. remelafraine says:

    I have bookmarked it in my google bookmarks.

  27. movie poster says:

    Please keep us informed like this. Thank you for sharing.

  28. Common man says:

    Very informative and very funny.

  29. Sam Green says:

    Thanks for this post, I am a big fan of this website.

  30. Levi Franks says:

    Aloha people! Cool blog!

  31. Walrus says:

    Outstanding!

  32. Eleanor says:

    This is cool!

  33. money says:

    This is a great post, thanks!

  34. P2P4U net says:

    Superb Post.many thanks for share.

  35. Brian Stone says:

    great post, thanks for taking the time to write it

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *