CAMBRIDGE JUNK

Jokes Musings and Humour

Written By: Cambridge Junk
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Musings. Pearls of wisdom. Whatever you wish to call them. Oh, and some jokes too.

©2015 Haydn Thorne
 

“It takes an entire ocean and the moon to remove your footprint from the sand.”

Haydn Thorne. 2015

I received a letter from the doctor that said I would have daily sex for the rest of my life. Then I realised I’d misread ‘dyslexia’.

 

“I only have 8lbs to go before I reach my target,” she said. That’s one big fucking cake, I thought.

“Remember, there is no ‘I’ in team.” No, but there’s definitely a ‘you’ in cu*t!

No, Nick Griffin isn’t ‘the one out of Family Guy.’

“I am going to have to start charging for all these lifts; I’m not a f****ng taxi driver.”

 

Botox isn’t as expensive as you might think. Customers often look surprised when they see the bill.

Knowing that you are wrong makes you a bigger person. It’s true. I was wrong to eat kebabs every day. That made me a bigger person.

In a moment of pure frustration, I reached the conclusion that there is no angry way of saying ‘bubbles’..

Cable TV signal went funny earlier on, but I was still able the catch the revelation that the German Chancellor wears an “angular merkin”.

Every, and I mean EVERY “reality” TV show, fly-on-the-wall documentary, “talent” show, cook-off, celebrity this, that and the other – are just full of people crying; incessantly blubbing; blubbing if they do well, if they do badly, don’t give a f**k, win, lose, know somebody winning or losing, judging people winning, losing, or doing so-so, watching people judging people who are winning, losing or doing so-so or hearing about somebody doing one or all of the above. From now on, everyone who cries unnecessarily, for whatever reason on the telly, should have to lose a leg – or punch their own dog.

“The last time I had sex was a bit like an Olympic 100m final.”

“Why, because it only lasted 9 SECONDS? HA HA HA HA….”

“No, because there was eight amputees and a gun.”

 

Newspaper fu**wit comment of the week:

Salesman died after ‘bath salts’ drug experiment sex game.

A SALESMAN collapsed and died after experimenting with drugs during a sex game – in which he wore a gas mask and wellies, an inquest heard.

Comment from LilDanna: “Radox Baths.. so is that band?”

Beyoncé Knowles, may not be the best singer in the world, but, and it’s a big butt……

 

Oh. I thought it was a limp pig ceremony. Disappointed.

 

Which volleyball team will win gold in the women’s aesthetics?

 

Asked a colleague today if I could borrow her newspaper. “Don’t be silly,” she said, “use my iPad.”

Well, it certainly fucked the wasp up!

 

 

 

 Last week’s Quantum Leap according to a certain TV guide: “Sam enters the body of a 16 yr old girl struggling to come to terms with her pregnancy.” Now, that’s not really helping, is it?

 Tonight on Quantum Leap, according to a certain TV guide: “Sam Beckett must fight for his life when he enters the body of an institutionalised manic depressive.” I think Al and Ziggy have their work cut out.

 Tonight’s Quantum Leap, according to a popular TV guide: “Sam has to ease a minor league baseball player’s passage into the big time – and prevent premature……”

Who is writing these? Julian Clary?

 

 

Headline of the day: “Man’s death inevitable.” Well….Yes!

 

On the Really channel tonight – which is the cable television equivalent of a human appendix – there is a documentary called ‘Why Are Thin People Not Fat?’ It goes on for an hour!

 

“I bought a whole big box of French sausages on my way home dear.”

“What have you got, Toulouse?”

“My thoughts exactly!”

 

 

One full tank of fuel in a 747 passenger plane would be enough in petrol to keep an average family car going for 67 years! Assuming you fill up once a week.

 

“We should all do God’s work.” Is he incapable of doing it himself?

 

“Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank. Give a man a bank and he can rob the world.”

 

“Relying on David Cameron to sort out the banking industry would be like relying on Simon Cowell to sort out the music industry!”

 

Saw two women strolling through the town earlier, openly holding hands, enjoying the sunshine. “Good for you” I said, to which one of them replied: “oh we’re not lesbians. My sister’s blind.”

 

“Question everything!” Why?

 

“90% of women don’t like men in pink shirts.” That’s OK, as I imagine 90% of men in pink shirts don’t like women.

 

“BBC correspondent, Robert Peston: please just break into song. You know you want to.”

 

“Watched a very fat person trying to get herself over a very low fence earlier on, whilst the Jurassic Park theme was playing on classic fm. Still laughing about it now.”

 

“Oh dear. Our letter regarding “Information about the drought” is barely readable after its soaking during the short journey from Postman’s sack to letterbox.”

 

“Overheard a disappointed child telling his mum that “Santa didn’t do enough Ho’s” at his Christmas party.”

 

“Politicians: If you have to read what you say, then you don’t mean it; but if you say what you mean, one day people everyone might read about it.”

 

“I had a conversation with a ‘Culturalist’ yesterday. I must say he was somewhat aloof; almost disdainful. I suppose you could say he was haughty.”

 

 

 

“Money can’t buy you love.” What a silly saying. Of course it can’t, in the same way it can’t buy you sadness, happiness, anxiety, indifference; in fact any human emotion you care to think of. Money can only buy you things that you can actually buy. Any feelings you or anybody else experience along the way are all passively derived and purely a reflection of self.

 

“When I say we are moving into hard copy publications, I mean printed media, not porn.”

 


“No, Josef Fritzl. Sex sells. Sex SELLS!”

 

 

“The McDonald brothers were called Richard and Mac. Now I understand why they chose to call their signature burger the Big Mac.”

 

“Popeye never ate any spinach without subsequently having a fight. Spinach made him violent. He was a violent spinach addict.” CJM

 

“Any undergraduates or postgraduates found to have been involved in the rioting and looting across the UK should be stripped of their degrees, on the grounds that they are actually fucking stupid.” 

 

“Forget all the medical mumbo-jumbo – you can gauge how mildly depressed you are by your reluctance to get out of the bath. Obviously, allow for fluctuations in outside temperature and seasonal variations.”

 

“Did I just hear Obi Wan Kenobi telling Luke Skywalker to go to a Dago bar?”

 

A man from a children’s charity caught me in the street earlier. “Can I have a moment of your time?” he asked. “Yes, of course” I said. After he had introduced himself and his intentions, I asked him “Are you getting paid for this?” “Yes” he replied in all honesty “A man’s got to earn a living”. “Indeed “ I concurred, before asking “And how much of that will you be donating to this, or another charity?” To which he answered “Well if I’m going to be honest, I need every penny I can get”. I continued. “So on the basis of what we have just established, you are now going to try and convince me to part with a monthly donation from my hard earnings to a charity that you yourself don’t feel strongly enough about to support, and yet pays you a wage to harass me on the street?” Awkward pause. “You either think that I am stupid, or that you are the best salesman in the world.” Another awkward pause as it dawned on him that neither of these things were true. “Well when you put it like that….” he mused as I walked away.

 We do give to charity by the way, just not the big corporate ones who pay executives huge salaries and solicit on the streets.

 

 

Whilst I appreciate the sentiment, I do wish people would stop referring to the illegal acquisition of Milly Dowler’s voice mail as “hacking Milly Dowler”.

 

Popped in to subway today (well it is Friday) and two teenage girls wandered in after me. “Chicken and bacon ranch please” asked the one with the most tattoos and the least clothing. “Do you want a foot long or a 6 inch?” enquired the mild mannered attendant. “How big is the six inch?” asked tattoo girl. So, no cancer cures from her then.

 

Why are rapists not called rapers? After all, if you commit murder, you are a murderer, fraud: a fraudster and kidnap: a kidnapper. In fact the only titles that end in “ist” are professions, such as: Dentist, Linguist, Artist, and so on. Does this mean that rape was once considered to be a profession? 

 

Why does the front cover of McAfee Internet Security feature a man throwing a frisby? Does McAfee Internet Security help you become a proficient frisby thrower? If it’s meant to symbolise freedom, then it doesn’t, because, unless you have a dog, retrieving one is just a pain in the arse. Perhaps the cover of McAfee Internet Security should feature a picture of a dog instead. 

 

“I’m not ever so keen on fruit. I had a mango in my fridge once, but I told him to fuck off out of my kitchen!” 

 

“Please. If you start a sentence with “I’m not racist, but….”, I know that I am about to hear something incredibly racist.” 

 

What the fuck is a “Luxury Photoshoot”? 

 

 Whilst walking home across Parker’s Pieces this evening, a member of Cambridge’s many, dear homeless folk stepped out from the pitch black and asked: “Excuse me mate, could you help me out with some change?”Annoyed at being startled I replied: “Why? Is it heavy?” 

 

“Today is national self harming awareness day. I’d have been kicking myself if I had forgotten that.” 

 

“Self help book”. Isn’t that a bit of an oxymoron? 

 

‎”Scientists have built an “invisibility cloak” that can hide everyday objects by splitting light.

It’s not quite on a par with Harry Potter’s magic garment, but the “cloak”, which is actually a lump of calcite crystal, can make objects like pins and paper clips disappear from sight. ……….Although the cloak itself is visible, it hides objects placed underneath it.” (BBC News Website)

So, like a normal cloak then? 

 

On Question Time last night, we were a little amused that Edwina Curry, whilst castigating one of the footballist pundits for being bigoted, said “He is a fat slob and I am glad he has been sacked” 

 

What exactly is a female Linesman? 

 

‎”A 3rd of 1 half is an 8th. Although, out of 10 I am only 2% sure”: Are you smarter than a 10 year old? ITV. 

 

Why is it always in the last place you look? Because only a fool would continue to look for something they have already found. 

 

Apparently, a contestant has hit Jeremy Kyle with an envelope during his show. Good. He’s a twat. 

 

Norman wisdom: not only an incredibly funny man, but also gave us surnames and won the battle of Hastings. 

 

Don’t play Angry Birds in the bath. You will never get out. You will end up looking like Yoda and you will be Late for everything! 

 

Details have emerged that the bag containing the body of an MI6 employee had been padlocked: “BBC Home Affairs correspondent Danny Shaw said details of the padlock “clearly indicates someone else was involved” in the incident.” Yes it does. That and the fact that the poor chap’s body had been chopped up and popped into a bag, which was then zipped up. Difficult to achieve post suicide and by one’s self, I would imagine. 

 

“Why are there always crying children in toy shops? You’re in a toy shop!” 

————————————————————- 

       The modern media

‘There’s no smoke without fire.’ This may even have been true, once. But that was before the Murdochs of the world invented the smoke machine.”

 HT 2013

How to tell if it’s a real revolution…

“An uprising that has the real potential to change the world has a particular feel about it: a vibration of common purpose which transcends individual ambition, consummates an ideology and elicits a nod of global acceptance. It is a rare occurrence, but it is the true beginnings of revolution.” Haydn Thorne 19/10/2011

Monotheistic Religion in the Modern World

“I’m starting to wonder if God does indeed exist, and that he/she is merely an irresponsible gardener. As far as I can see monotheistic religion serves no other purpose than to deplete the World’s population. It is Humanity’s own, built-in arbitrary pesticide.” Haydn Thorne 03/09/2015

 

All original material & written by Haydn Thorne ©2010-2015 Cambridge Junk Magazine. All rights reserved.
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21 Comments

  1. Barbiemin says:

    This is hilarious. More, more, more!

  2. CJM says:

    Thanks. Lots more to come.

  3. gackling says:

    Hilarious!

  4. totalblank says:

    I am liking all this very much but i do need to ask what is ‘Angry Birds’? please

    • CJM says:

      Angry Birds is a hugely popular game that began on the iPhone. Have a google and thanks for the comment.

      • Totalblank says:

        Here is something else you might like;
        As the poets have mournfully sung,
        Death takes the innocent young,
        The rolling in money,
        The screamingly funny,
        And those who are very well hung.
        W.H.Auden

  5. Grisel Builes says:

    Great post. I also see this becoming a great website.

  6. totalblank says:

    You’ve probably heard this already but here goes;
    A banker, a Tory, a Daily Mail reader and a teacher sit round a table with a plate with ten biscuits. The banker eats nine biscuits and the Tory turns to the Daily Mail reader and says “The teacher is after your biscuit!”

  7. Jade Mencl says:

    I like this web blog very much. “…when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.” by Conan Doyle.

  8. Trent Paddick says:

    I love the effort you have put into this, thanks for all the great posts.

  9. Reta says:

    “I can calculate the movement of the stars, but not the madness of men.” – Sir Isaac Newton commenting on his financial loss in South Sea Bubble

  10. Ziggy Biggy says:

    “Speak ill of no man, but speak all the good you know of everybody.” – Ben Franklin

  11. Louis Mcgann says:

    I’m still learning from you, but I’m making my way to the top as well. I absolutely enjoy reading all that is posted on your website.Keep the posts coming. I loved it!

  12. Cary Lieber says:

    It really is an intriguing thought. I like this post.

  13. Dally says:

    You are a very smart individual!

  14. Luzia Mendes says:

    Interesting post. thank you for sharing!

  15. regim hotelier iasi says:

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  16. cat says:

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  18. mewwqeerikj says:

    Hi. I visited your site for the first time and just been your fan. Keep posting as I’m gonna come to read it everyday ! Thanks.

  19. cat turd says:

    Couldn’t have said it better myself.

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