CAMBRIDGE JUNK

The Opinion Pole

Written By: Cambridge Junk
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Hendrych  Tomaschewski, our man of the World, casts his quizzical eye over this week’s news. Born and raised in Poland, Hendrych went on to spend much of his adult life in St Petersburg, wondering around in a philosophical haze. In 2007 he moved to Cambridge where he became journalist and gained his reputation as a raconteur.

The news that gets on my tits.

 

Someone complains about a cuddly gorilla in an Ely window

 05/11/2014

Somebody has decided that a knitted gorilla that adorns one Ely resident’s window, is ingorilla-large fact racist.

Read the article here.

The person who made this complaint is racist. Seriously, who would identify a knitted gorilla with a black person other than somebody who is actually racist themselves? This is the same kind of person who finds somebody mimicking an Indian accent offensive; the comfortably-dumb armchair liberalist who would have no idea how to empathise with a minority or disparate group if one came up bit them on their up-ended nose. “How dare you make fun of those little Indians and Pakistanis with the funny way they talk?”, you’ll almost hear them thinking.

I like the Indian accent – in fact I do a rather good one. I also do a very good Cockney, North Yorkshire, South African and a mediocre Irish. However, the latter four are never met with any complaint. I can only assume they are a far more sophisticated, durable and advanced group of human beings than those poor little backward Indian folk, whose weak souls will smash from the brutal ridicule of my passable impression of their pleasant and fruity accent.

These are also the same narrow-minded, ignorantly self-righteous fuck-wits who think that all working class people are ‘chavs’, and vice-versa; and who walk around feeling ebullient by buying half a jar of fair-trade coffee whilst wearing fine-cut clothes that still microscopically crunch with the dried blood from the pricked fingers of desperate workhouse children across the globe.

These are the same people who feel sycophantically inclusive when they eat out at an Indian restaurant, but would never go as far as ‘chowing’ down on some roasted goat from a street purveyor of West African food, or indeed consuming a cheap Polish sausage.

Anyway, as I was saying, a gorilla no more reminds me of a black person than a child’s playground reminds me of sex. However, if I were a paedophile I imagine that would be somewhat different. Do you see what I mean?

If the person who made this complaint happens to read this, please grow up or fuck off. You’re holding back humanity.

Frankie Boyle: who exactly is he harming?

Your sensibilities? You selfish, vaccuous, unimaginative, narrow minded f***kwits! There are far more offensive things going on right now – real, tangible things, that effect you, that change, shape, ruin and end peoples lives; things you should really feel compelled to complain about, but don’t, because it is just too much bother. Don’t watch, don’t listen if you do not wish to. You were not contractually obliged to watch everything when you bought your telly. If you genuinely have nothing else to do, and feel that you are doing your bit by whinging about comedians, who’s very opinions are definitively benign, then you should stop living, or perhaps volunteer for one of the many experiments or causes that may actually do humanity and society some good!

 

Where do you stand on Bull Terriers and other “dangerous” dogs? Is it all down to the owners?

Ha, standing on one won’t stop it, believe me. Look, people are always arguing that: “It’s not the breed of dog, it’s the owner.” I think that is a load of your British bollocks. You could kick a Golden Retriever in the neck for a year and it wouldn’t attack anybody!

A Bull Terrier. Ugly, aren’t they?

Funnily enough, it is nearly always owners of other dogs that are the most adamant that a Bull Terrier’s temperament is all down to the owner. They assume that all dogs are as well behaved and loving as their own. Broach the subject with a bull terrier, or Rottweiler owner and they tend to give you a knowing look and say something like: “Well, you have to bring them up right and treat them with respect.” Nothing wrong with that, but I don’t want an animal roaming around that, unless it has been brought up right and treated with respect, will eat my children.

It is the temperament which is the problem actually – as well as their physical attributes. For instance, if you piss me off, I may write you a strongly worded letter. But, if you annoy Mike Tyson, he is likely to bite your ear off. I am sure you could sit through a meal with either of us, on your best behaviour and enjoying the evening. But, what happens when you try and take Tyson’s chips off him? I would ask you what you were doing, he would probably not waste time with such pleasantries

I once knew somebody who adopted a Jack Russell which had been brought up very badly indeed, and mistreated most of its life. It settled in well, if a little barky, and made friends with the kids, etc. Then one day, completely out of the blue, it went berserk. Do you know what it did? It barked at one of the children, nipped its owners hand and went to cower in the corner. But of course, people who are stupid will still say that breed has nothing to do with how dangerous a dog can be. A policeman once told me that he dealt with families from all walks of life, with all kinds of dogs during his career, and the only house calls he ever attended involving attacks by dogs all involved Pit Bulls and Staffs. On one occasion he attended a burglary victim’s home who had a Staff or Pit Bull, I forget which, exactly, and he watched the animal rolling around with the kids and listened to the owners tell him how fantastic a pet it was and how placid the breed can be. In fact, the dog had remained calm even when an intruder stole the keys to their Saab. A week later he attended the same house because the dog had turned on the cleaner and one of the older children, who tried to help, causing considerable damage to the extremities of both. His actual words went something like: “Yeah, they’re fine pets. Right up until the point you have to phone my station because your beloved Max is gum deep in your Achilles tendon.” Just on my way into work this morning I saw a Staff and a Rottweiler trying to go ten to the dozen with each other, whilst desperately being held back by two woefully under prepared owners; one in a hoody and one wearing a wax jacket.
Owners should always take full responsibility for their pets. Absolutely, but the dangerous dogs act was brought in for one glaring reason. There are such things as dangerous dogs, irrespective of how they are raised. You just have to look into a Bull Terrier’s eyes. They are like a sharks. I wouldn’t trust anything with eyes as dead as that anywhere near my children. Sorry!

 

Racist rants on trams and trains

It is intriguing to witness this emergence of people’s racist rants recorded aboard various types of public transport. Is the infrastructure so flawed and infuriating that it causes rational people to turn into stark raving lunatics? Probably not, but it is an odd coincidence that more of these videos are emerging after the first despicably “chavvy” tantrum. Or, is it?

I would think that the “new” footage of these shockingly narrow minded outbursts has probably been sitting dormant on the uploaders mobile phones up until now, which leads me to a rather perplexing question with regards to the law and morality.

There is no doubt that the “pig faced Nazi” (my milkman’s words, not mine) in the original viral video will be facing a far harsher punishment under UK law due to the video actually having been published in the first place. If, before the advent of the mobile phone video technology, she had had her rant on the same tram, with the same audience, but without it being recorded, she would have felt nothing more than the scorn of the other passengers and, hopefully, a shimmer of guilt when she had sobered up. Even if a police officer had been present, she may only have been slapped on the wrists, or moved along. However, her outburst has been so widely viewed that an entire world community has rallied against her. Don’t get me wrong, this is a good thing, but let us just take a step back for a moment and consider the following.

That “dumb, vacuous waste of free thought” (my optometrist’s words, not mine) will probably have been charged with, amongst other things, inciting racial hatred. Now, there is no doubt that she is guilty of this, but what about the person who uploaded the video in the first place? On the face of it, it could be regarded as a public service, an exercise in naming and shaming. But think about it a little more and we stumble into a legal grey area.

If I were a member of a fascist organisation and I filmed myself or an acquaintance spewing the same rhetoric and uploaded the content to the internet, I myself would be hauled before the courts for inciting racial hatred. In fact, if you or I simply filmed a friend doing the same thing and put it on the internet for all to see, we could be staring down the sleeve of the wrong arm of the law. It happens to gang members, religious terrorists and school bullies alike. Those who did a similar thing during the August riots had the book thrown at them.

I suppose it is all in the title and ‘tags’ which accompany the video, but if the footage of the “pram faced bitch” who “doesn’t deserve Motherhood” (my mother in law’s words, not mine) were to be uploaded, unadulterated by title and text, would it not be a potential incitement to racial hatred in itself. Would the person who uploaded it not be solely responsible for widespread broadcasting of a racist message?

Well, I took it show my lawyer to get his thoughts on the matter, and he has this to say: “Ignorant, moronic and pointless little tart. We should give her air to somebody else.” HT

 10/11/21011

James Murdoch accused of acting like mafia boss

I do wish everyone would stop using the term “Mafia” for any kind of criminal group. Not content with “Polish Mafia” and “Russian Mafia” etc, Labour MP Tom Watson has now referred to James Murdoch as a “Mafia Boss”. Mafia – or MAFIA – is an acronym for ‘Morte Alla Francia Italia Annella’ meaning “French Death is Italy’s Cry” and was a motto of the local gangs of Italy and Sicily who swore to protect the island from French invasion. These gangs later became the organised crime gangs of Sicily and Italy and the term emigrated to America and other countries. James Murdoch may well be the head of an increasingly criminal organisation, but it is not the Mafia. Also, Mr Watson’s remarks come across as more than a little sensationalist; the words of a man trying to make his mark in the public eye, perhaps? The irony of this is not lost on me. HT

09/10/2011

Theresa May’s comments about the Human Rights act preventing a Bolivian student being deported because he had a cat.

Why would anyone want to stay for a cat anyway? Cats don’t care about you. You just have to look into their eyes to realise that.

But seriously, I think she may be trying to score some political points and was talking, what you British like to call, bollocks. But remember, politicians will only lie if they think that the voters will believe them.

The European Bill of Human Rights, itself.

It all seems like a lot of interfering to me. Just ignore it. That’s what we would do in Poland. A civilised nation does not need an external organisation to tell it how to be compassionate.

Amanda Knox and Raffaele Sollecito found not guilty of murder

If they are indeed innocent, then it is good that they got off. If they are guilty, then their souls will punish them before the end of their days. It is one of those few cases where the evidence is genuinely perplexing, and in which the main protagonist is a true enigma to the outside world.

Also, the Italian legal system is odd. In some ways it can be good, in that they have some absolutes that other European countries could do with in terms of judicial resolution – but being able to discuss the case in the papers and on television, without constraint, caused many problems. There was actually a whole different trial going on within the media, who turned it into a kind of popularity contest. Could it be that, as with most popularity contests, the winner was the party with the most money and influence on their side?

One other thing. Italian law is a long and drawn out process with many time consuming intricacies. No doubt this is what you are left with after 200 years of trying to prosecute the Mafia. HT

The X-Factor

In St Petersburg, we used to go to this meat market. The customers would all sit down in a warehouse and all the meat was brought out and paraded in front of them. Everybody had a button, which they would click when they saw the meat they liked. Each time somebody clicked, the price of the meat went up. Eventually a bell would ring when the timer ran out, which meant you paid that price for the meat. This is basically the same as the X-factor. HT

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