World News

Written By: Cambridge Junk

Our rebuke to the Daily Mail’s decision to lead with a photograph of the bloodied offices of Charlie Hebdo; purely for purposes of sensationalism and cynically focusing on ‘pools of blood’ in the prose.

“You should take this down. You’re a disgrace to your profession and your colleagues worldwide. Do you not understand what is going on here? This is not a time for focusing on the blood of murder! You are in a position to reach millions of people and you decide that this is the picture to show?

And before you argue that this is all about freedom of speech and you can print what you like, then why not print some of the cartoons that these maniacs found so offensive? That would get you sensationalism, clicks, units sold, and would not be an unnecessarily revolting insult to your dead fellow journalists.

I’ve never held the Daily Mail in the highest regard, but this has driven me to revulsion, and away for good. Hopefully along with many others. You are not Charlie!”

Florida Church Bans Children, as it Takes on a Convicted Sex Offender as its New Pastor.

The Christ Tabernacle Missionary Baptist Church in Jacksonville, Florida has employed Darrell Gilyard, a pastor recently released from prison, where he had been jailed for sexually abusing minors.  Following a court ruling that denied his legal team’s attempts to let him preach amongst children, the church has decided to hang on to Gilyard, and to temporarily ban children from the church instead.

Clutch Magazine reports:

In 2009 Gilyard plead guilty to lewd conduct and lewd molestation of two underage girls. While he was the pastor of Shiloh Baptist Church Gilyard molested a 15-year-old girl and sent a lewd text message to another. Under the conditions of his plea agreement, Gilyard cannot have “unsupervised contact with children under 18 years old,”

Gilyward was released from jail on December 28,  and by as early as late January, he was preaching at  Christ Tabernacle Missionary Baptist Church.

The strangest part? According to Clutch Magazine:

Gilyard’s arrival at the church has caused a spike in attendance. Before Gilyard joined the church about 10 members came to service. Now the numbers are between 150 and 200.

Read more here.


“Nigger” Banned from Set of New Film


Dam Buster’s dog

It has been announced that a new film about the Dam Busters is being made. It will be a modern day movie using modern techniques to immortalise the incredible exploits of No.617 squadron for a modern day audience. But how will it compare to the classic 1955 film of the same name?

Fans of the original will be mindful of one significant elephant in the theatre, the cause of many a clenched buttock in living rooms for many years, and a censorship dilemma wrestled with by TV bosses across the board. It is, of course, the chaps’ beloved Labrador “Nigger”. Well, you can breathe out as we can report (not exactly exclusively) that the tragic canine in the new movie will now be known by the far more benign moniker of ‘Digger’.

As the debate as to the wisdom of this change rages on (if mouse-bound film geeks can indeed ‘rage’) we delve a little deeper into Hollywood’s continuous struggle to balance fact with political correctness.

Is there anything those Jacksons can’t do?

If the latest Dam Busters film was being made by The Sun “news”-paper, or the comedy Vacuum that is Jim Davidson, it would probably have been called ‘Kraut Fuckers’. However, it isn’t. It is being produced by Peter Jackson from a screenplay written by none other than Stephen Fry, and it is to be directed by first timer Christian Rivers – which sounds a bit like a baptism.

Jackson – who despite stark similarities continues to deny that he is any relation to the late King of Pop – is probably best known for bringing the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy to the big screen. The films – which were a huge success both in terms of box office takings and in proving Jackson to be one of the world’s greatest directors – are still a benchmark of accuracy, attention to detail and sheer scale of film making.

The Dark Lord. Can we say that?

However, an insider has revealed to us that the post production of the trilogy was not all plain sailing, and it too came under the scrutiny of political correctness. According to our source, the trilogy narrowly escaped having its name altered from ‘The Lord of the Rings’ altogether, due to perceived sexual connotations and the whole ‘Lord’ thing coming across as a bit elitist. During heated meetings studio executives were at pains to find a less offensive title and spent many gruelling hours trying to come up with a suitable alternative. After many arguments, sackings and re-hirings the most popular suggestions were: The Co-manager of the Magic Trinkets. Together Everyone Achieves More (even Dwarves), and: Little People Can be Brave Too!

“Precious?” Make up your own mind.

The characters themselves narrowly escaped the PC purge, too. ‘Gollum’ – who according to the unofficial biography “What on Middle Earth are you Tolkien About?” was originally going to be called ‘Septic Bastard’ – sounded far too much like ‘scrotum’ and it was suggested that his name be changed to Glenn. Sam Gamjee was flagged up as having illegal drug connotations and it was decided his name should be changed to Harry – the name of every notable sidekick in Hollywood history.  All of these suggestions were, thankfully, later dismissed.

Incredibly, at the same time, there were concerns that Merry and Pippin might come across as being GAY, provoking talk of turning them into Siamese twins instead. However, this upset creationists and those in America’s Bible belt who lobbied for the characters to be further altered to the much more acceptable relationship of a Vicar and a small boy. In the end, these changes were considered to be too expensive to cast.

Gay? Really?

Soon, executives were going through Tolkien’s masterpiece with a fine-tooth comb, dipped deep in a pot of sanctimony. For instance, the ‘Ents’ were a problem as they sounded too much like “Quents”, so it was suggested that their collective name should be changed to the far more imaginative: “Tree Guys.”

And so it continued. ‘Legolas’ was considered to be offensive to paraplegics, ‘Shelob’ an affront to Women’s Lib and ‘Celeborn’ was ditched altogether after the discovery of the crimes of Joseph Fritzl.

Finally, a documentary about the making of the trilogy entitled “Who Shot J. R. R. Tolkien?” was also canned, but that was mainly because it was shit.

As it turned out, none of these ludicrous ideas made it into the final cut, whereas “Digger” will remain, whether you agree with the change or not.

On a more serious note, we sincerely hope that this particular remake does not turn out to be as hopeless as so many other rehashes of films from the same era. Forgotten Planet, anyone?

By Haydn Thorne


The End of the World is Nigh!


Harold Camping interprets

Apparently, it is so “nigh”, you may not be able to finish reading this article. In fact, I may not even be able to finish writing it; not before we are all either swept up into heaven for eternal bliss, or shackled onto a fiery hellish Earth for the rest of our days. This is because, according to a small time media mogul and morally corrupt cross-sucker called Harold Camping, the rumblings of the rapture are already upon us.


After three previous predictions as to when the world would reach its biblical end – at which point the true believers will be whisked up to heaven and the non believers boiled alive in bubbling vats of oily sin – Harold Camping has issued his fourth assurance that Friday October 21 2011 is the day; really, really, actually the day when it is all going to happen. Now don’t you wish you had poured yourself that extra glass of wine last night?

You won’t be needing this

Incredibly people actually believe Camping’s predictions, and many have gone so far as to donate their worldly finances to his cause (read bank balance) on account that they will not be needing such materialistic wealth in the after-life anyway. Now, it must have been a bit grating for all those misguided halfwits when on all three previous occasions, the world did not and at all, not even slightly. However, after admitting that he was “Flabbergasted” that the Earth had not been scorched on his previously allocated date of May 21 2011, Harold Camping refused to refund any of the money that had been given to him, stating: “We are not at the end. Why would we return it?” A returns policy that even mobile phone shops might consider a bit unfair.

Today, apparently

I do try hard not to be overly cynical, but what a racket! Basically, you have a captive audience of people with a proven propensity for gullibility, who, regardless of their status, wealth or general happiness, want nothing more than for Jesus Christ to return to this mortal realm and judge them, grant them eternal life, burn their sinful neighbours, and most of all, prove them right. Then you have a wise looking old man who appears to make more sense of the inconsistencies of the bible than they do, who owns a small media empire called ‘Family Radio’ through which he can broadcast his diatribe, and who tells them precisely what they want to hear. In return, all he asks is that they hand over all of their, soon to be useless cash.

Come again?

Surely some of these people must have thought that something was amiss when Camping’s first prediction that the world would end in May 1988, resulted in nothing more than George Bush senior winning a presidential primary. But no, on this and each occasion afterwards, people queued up to hand over their monetary wealth. They then enjoyed their final hours on this earth by confessing their sins, saying their goodbyes, or throwing caution to the wind by doing whatever they pleased since they were going to hell anyway. Then, it seems, they spent the next few years trying to rebuild their lives; apologising to their wives, wishing they hadn’t slept with the gardener and waiting for a mathematically inept old man to emerge from his – now slightly bigger house, with a date for them to do it all again.

If at first you don’t succeed…

Incredibly, Harold Camping appears to bear no responsibility or guilt for this morally insidious conduct. No doubt, unless he has actually got it right this time, he will continue to raise the hopes of his followers and encourage them to cash in their lives at Camping’s casino of catastrophe in the hope that their misguided assumptions of life, existence and humanity will finally be affirmed.

So, could Harold Camping be right this time? For the sake of those pathetic individuals so bound by his beliefs, a tiny part of me wishes he was. But, as with all his previous unfounded predictions, I wager it will be further proof that Harold Camping is simply a delusional, morally corrupt and capricious old c

Probably by Haydn Thorne


Was Michael Jackson killed by Drugs or Murray?

The unusual suspects

And so, another court room drama is set to play out across the World, courtesy of the open studios of America’s blame culture. The lines are drawn and the sides are unambiguous; you’re either in the Jackson camp and believe his death was manslaughter, or you’re in the camp of Dr Murray and believe that Michael Jackson administered the drugs to himself in a bid to get some sleep.


The trial begins

Stark similarities can be drawn with the OJ Simpson trial, in that there is no perceived middle ground here. The complexities and intricacies of a relationship between a troubled star and a vocationally fortunate physician may well be delved into in great detail during the trial, but conclusions have already been reached by those paying close attention to proceedings and watching the live coverage rather than going to work. That is because they are watching with the same eyes with which they watch American Idol, or the X-factor. There can be no draw, no compromise. There has to be a winner; a clear cut decision, and to hell with the details.

The public are on the streets

The fact that the streets outside the Los Angeles courthouse are lined with people with placards with taglines ranging from: “Dr Death” and “Justice for Jackson” in the Jackson camp, to “Team Murray” and “Murray is innocent” from those defending the good (or bad, but nothing in between) Dr Murray, just goes to show the levels of soap operadom to which these proceedings have already slumped. We say ‘ranging from’, but we don’t actually mean that at all. There is no range. That is it; you are either team Jackson or team Murray.

Only two sides to every story

After Jackson’s death, we pondered upon how the King of Pop’s industry would continue? We knew it would, but on what level, and how would it manifest itself in the future? A Michael Jackson Theme Park, perhaps, or previously unreleased singles, or a film? No doubt all of these things will occur in good time, but for now, the Jackson commercial bandwagon has a huge amount of money to make by milking the question on the lips of America and a large proportion of the world: What killed Michael Jackson, Drugs or Murray?

By Haydn Thorne


Have The Yes Men hoaxed the UK Media?


Alessio Rastani. Real or imposter?

An appearance by purported market trader Alessio Rastani on the BBC News this morning, could have been the work of an activist group called ‘The Yes Men.’ During his brief interview, the smarmy Rastani proclaimed that, “The governments don’t rule the World. Goldman Sachs rules the World.”

The vitriol espoused by the sweaty, tooth grinding, lip licking money fiend, left the seasoned presenters of the BBC morning news aghast at his candour and arrogance. He also admitted to have dreamt of an economic crisis like that of the 1930’s as an opportunity to make money, and that traders do not really care about such things anyway. Spoof or not, his comments have caused much debate around the world, and whatever the outcome we shouldn’t dismiss the words of ‘Alessio Rastani’; an anagram of which is rationalise. These may, or may not have been the words of an actual trader, but they certainly sound like a trader’s words. See the interview here.

By Haydn Thorne

The Yes Men: courtesy of Wikipedia.

“The Yes Men are a culture jamming activist duo and network of supporters created by Andy Bichlbaum and Mike Bonanno.[1] Through actions of tactical media, The Yes Men primarily aim to raise awareness about what they consider problematic social issues. To date, the duo has produced two films: The Yes Men (2003) and The Yes Men Fix the World (2009).[1] In these films, they impersonate entities that they dislike, a practice that they call “identity correction”. The Yes Men operate under the mission statement of telling the truth and exposing lies. They create and maintain fake websites similar to ones they intend to spoof, which have led to numerous interview, conference, and TV talk show invitations. They espouse the belief that corporations and governmental organizations often act in dehumanizing ways toward the public.” Read more.



Modern Poverty




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